Leading by Influencing
The distance between forming a genuine connection and winning someone over — closed with sincerity, not pressure. The single rule of persuasion is that you do not persuade at all: connect, and people convince themselves.
Executive Summary
Influence, reduced to its mechanics.
Three questions
Influence runs in three moves: how do you form a connection, how do you convey your message, and how do you convince? Answer these in order and persuasion takes care of itself.
SHE & CCA
The SHE model (Senses, Honesty, Empathy) forms the emotional connection. The CCA strategy (Contemplate, Customisation, Avoid over-arguments) carries the message without friction.
Connect, don’t convince
Never set out to convince. A genuine connection makes conviction automatic. Trust is built by honest intent and an understanding of human psychology — no tricks required.
Visual Knowledge Map
Two engines feeding one outcome.
Smile, eye contact, listen more than you speak
Genuine interest, their problem, find a connector
Don’t criticise — offer a solution, encourage
Think before you speak — weigh the problem
Shape the approach to the person before you
Sidestep the clash; never wound the ego
Core Concepts
The ideas the method rests on.
Emotional connect
The bond that must form before any pitch. Skip it and persuasion stalls — when the connect step is missing, only around 20% of cold approaches earn even a polite response.
Connect, not convince
The governing inversion. There is one rule for convincing a person: do not try to convince at all. Just connect, and conviction follows by itself.
Find the connector
A shared detail or a felt problem that links you to the other person — a common pastime, or simply echoing the difficulty they describe.
Customisation
The same message must be shaped differently for different people. Learn the person first — for a person is known by the company they keep.
Ego is fragile
A wounded ego closes the door instantly. Encouragement, agreement and respect keep the connection open; criticism severs it.
Honesty over tricks
Trust is won by being honest in your intentions and by understanding human psychology — never by manipulation or clever technique.
A simple device that played old, nostalgic songs sold not on its features but on feeling — the first notes carried listeners straight back to fond memories of years past. People bond with what makes them feel, not with what you describe.
Frameworks & Models
SHE forms the bond · CCA carries the message.
SHE model — forming the emotional connection
Senses
- Smile and make strong eye contact
- Be a good listener — listen more than you talk
- Let presence, not words, open the door
Honesty
- Show genuine interest in what people want
- Focus on their problem, not your pitch
- Find a connector; echo their sentiment so they feel understood
Empathy
- Don’t criticise, disrespect or belittle
- Offer a solution instead of a complaint
- Show encouragement
CCA strategy — conveying the message
Contemplate
- Think before you speak
- No solution is found without first weighing the problem
- Words spoken in anger cannot be recalled
Customisation
- Tailor the approach to each person’s nature
- Praise lands with some; quiet distance suits others
- Learn the person before choosing your move
Avoid over-arguments
- To end a dispute, sidestep it altogether
- Flatter the ego rather than wound it
- Winning the point can mean losing the person
A condemned rebel faced execution when the rope broke. By custom, such a sign meant a pardon — but the rebel scoffed aloud, mocking the poor quality of the rope itself. The ruler, hearing the insult, ordered the execution carried out again. A life lost to a few unguarded words.
A noted writer on persuasion challenged a tax officer who had wrongly taxed a tax-exempt item. The new officer, eager to prove his expertise, ignored the correction. Rather than argue, the writer remarked that the role demanded knowledge beyond ordinary grasp. Flattered, the officer warmed, recounted his credentials — and quietly reclassified the item as exempt. The point was never argued; it was won by reading the person.
Process Flow
The consult-first sequence — the way a good diagnosis works.
A doctor never opens with a prescription. They ask about your symptoms, examine, then diagnose — and by the time the prescription is written, you are already convinced the treatment is right. Connection first; the “sale” closes itself.
Relationship Diagram
From six elements to a lasting impression.
Dependencies & Interactions
What each step leans on — and how it breaks.
| Stage | Depends on | Reinforced by | Failure mode |
|---|---|---|---|
| Connection | Senses Honesty Empathy | Listening more than speaking | Pitching the product before connecting |
| Message | Contemplation Customisation | Reading the person’s nature first | Arguing the point and wounding the ego |
| Conviction | A real connection | Genuine interest in their problem | Trying to convince directly |
| Customisation | Learning the person | Matching tone to their type | Treating everyone the same way |
Key Takeaways
Ten lines to keep.
Build an emotional connect before anything else.
Build a relationship — don’t sell a product.
Don’t convince — connect. Conviction follows on its own.
Listen more than you speak; presence opens the door.
Find the connector — echo the problem they feel.
Customisation matters — learn the person first.
Think before you speak; anger is irreversible.
Never wound the ego — sidestep the argument.
Don’t criticise; offer a solution and encourage.
No tricks — honesty plus an understanding of psychology.
Revision Sheet
Glance, refresh, reflect.
- Connect → convey → convinced.
- SHE: Senses, Honesty, Empathy.
- CCA: Contemplate, Customise, Avoid over-args.
- The rule: don’t convince — connect.
- Smile, eye contact, listen first.
- Show genuine interest; find a connector.
- Don’t criticise — solve and encourage.
- Think first; customise; sidestep clashes.
- Connection + message build trust.
- Trust becomes influence.
- Influence leaves a lifetime impression.
- Won by honesty, not by tricks.
Quick Reference Table
Both models, letter by letter.
| Key | Stands for | The move | In practice |
|---|---|---|---|
| S | Senses | Open with presence | Smile, hold eye contact, listen more than you speak |
| H | Honesty | Centre on their problem | Show genuine interest and echo what they feel |
| E | Empathy | Support, don’t judge | Offer a solution and encouragement, never criticism |
| C | Contemplate | Think before speaking | Weigh the problem; never speak in anger |
| C | Customisation | Tailor to the person | Learn their nature, then choose your approach |
| A | Avoid over-arguments | Sidestep the clash | Spare the ego; winning the point can lose the person |
Frequently Asked Questions
The questions this method raises.
Do not try to convince at all. Just connect — and people are convinced automatically. Setting out to convince is what makes it fail.
A three-part way to form an emotional connection: Senses (smile, eye contact, listening), Honesty (genuine interest in their problem), and Empathy (solutions and encouragement over criticism).
A three-part way to convey your message: Contemplate (think before speaking), Customisation (tailor to the person), and Avoid over-arguments (sidestep disputes).
Look for a shared detail or a felt problem — a common pastime, or simply agreeing with and echoing the difficulty the other person describes.
Winning an argument often wounds the other person’s ego and severs the connection. Sidestepping the clash keeps the relationship — and your point — intact.
No tricks are needed to win trust. It comes from being honest in your intentions and understanding human psychology — manipulation only erodes the connection.
Memory Hooks
Lines that make it stick.
Senses, Honesty, Empathy — smile, mean it, and care.
The CCA order — think, tailor, then sidestep the fight.
Connection does the convincing for you; pressure never does.
Agreeing with what they feel is the fastest connector there is.
Practical Applications
Where connection-first influence pays off.